boyzplusnoyes2011

Stars are restaurant stars; to receive even one star is an accomplishment. A two star rating denotes excellence, and is the highest one can achieve on pure competence alone. Actual inspiration or moxie are required for three stars, whereas the air of four stars is reserved for immediately recognizable classics. (There is, in some sense, a hidden, five star rating out of recognition that pop is simply not capable of achieving the emotional power or transcendence of the best classical music.)

Albums:
****

***

**Bon Iver - Bon Iver, Bon Iver. Pretty good - pretty good, pretty good. This is the super-pretty album I have been waiting for. (Not necessarily from him, but abstractly. So yeah, ** for sure.)

*Britney Spears - Femme Fatale. Too much quality to say no. At least four good songs.
*Cults

Songs:
****

***

**Nicki Minaj - Super Bass. Tippy-top of **. This song is amazing and is definitely better than previous *** songs (eg Best I Ever Had, Runaway). Unless SB gets an upgrade, please consider those downgraded. I feel like I am underrating and must justify: not enough rapping, bridge is not quite compelling enough, and while the candy-coated hook is perfect and infectious, a *** song with so much vocals needs a little more charisma. Also, ironically, bass could hit a little harder.

*Martin Solveig and Dragonette - Hello. But I am confused. Don't we think that this is Vanilla Ice-level "Paper Planes" jacking?
*Britney Spears - Till the World Ends. Not even necessary to wait for the remix.
*Britney Spears - Hold It Against Me. SO CLOSE! Lacks elegance in its current form; remixes have potential to reach 3 stars!
*M.I.A. - Bad Girls. Too repetitive to get 2 stars right off the bat.
*Radiohead - Separator
*M.I.A. - Gen - N-E-Y, from Vicki Leex.

Purposeful omissions:

jingle what? jingle who?

Bounce wit me bounce wit me
Can ya can ya
Bounce wit me bounce wit me



yo



Can I get up in the morning
Without you rolling my dough



And even worse if I was broke would you still want me?



If I couldn't get you finer things like sprinkles, frosting
And them red hots -- could we still trot?




If you couldn't eat the fun toppings off the heads of my friends,



Would you smile then? If I wasn't risin'?



If I wasn't a eight fingah ninja of the flava ginja



Would you come around me or would you clown me?



If I didn't taste so delicious would ya
Put your two gifts near my wood on Christmas could ya



See yourself with a ginja workin' hard, try to stay alive,
Don't want your love if I can't survive, or



Are you gonna bite me? Dunk my feet in milk just to spite me?
Brag to your friends 'bout my recipe?



If you couldn't see yourself with a ginger when his dough says no,
Baby girl then you're a ho...ho ho!

Drizzy fo Shizzy

Because the world needs to be confused by yet another Drake pseudo-mixtape.

DRIZZY FO SHIZZY
Do What You Do - RFI
Try Harder - RFI
Kick, Push Remix f/ Lupe Fiasco - RFI
Ignorant Shit - SFG
Say What's Real - SFG
Little Bit - SFG
Best I Ever Had - SFG
Unstoppable - SFG
Uptown - SFG
Karaoke - TML

about me

Activities: climbing rocks, swimming, cooking, falling stylishly on boards over water.

Interests: ;, &, !, ..., and "and,".

Music: 2010 stars

Words: The Sun Also Rises, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Love in the Time of Cholera, The BFG, Sometimes a Great Notion, Pale Fire, A Passage To India; King Lear; Kubla Khan, I Heard a Fly Buzz When I Died, Out of the Cradle Endlessly Rocking, Sunday Morning, Leda and the Swan, Dover Beach, Attack of the Crab Monsters.

Movies: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Clueless, Lawrence of Arabia, Super Troopers, Pride and Prejudice, Anthony Hopkins Titus.

TV Shows: The Hills (seasons 3&4), Life With Derek(!), The Wire (seasons 1 and 3).

GirlsWithSynths2010

IN ORDER. Stars are restaurant stars. One star signals complete recommendation. Two is very good. A three star rating is excellent, shocking even. Four stars are amazing and should transcend taste and time. Feedback/suggestions welcome.


Albums:

****

***Monobloco - Dez Anos. Derek's favorite band comes out with a new album out of nowhere! I really need to go to Carnaval one of these days. Gets better the more you listen to it.
***Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Permanent downgrade to three stars.

**Janelle Monae - The ArchAndroid. Remember when Amerie and Beyonce blew our collective mind a few years ago? This is the album that "One Thing" and "Crazy in Love" promised, although there aren't any individual songs that crush on that level.
**Crystal Castles - II. Upgrade, despite the numerous amount of songs that I skip. BTW, I'm still mad there isn't a new Alice Practice.
**Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti. Happy to thank Pitchfork for this one.
**Little Boots - Hands. Remedy is good enough by itself for two stars! I am very happy that La Roux is popular, but I am a little confused as to why Little Boots did not blow up.
**Kode9 - DJ-Kicks. ** because of the scary parts, although the first half is pretty decent as well!
**Mos Def/Max Tannone - Mos Dub Smashes like an Idaho potato.

*Kitune Maison 9. Definitely the best since Volume 6!
*The Walkmen - Lisbon. SO close. It needs just one more high-powered song (along with "Angela Surf City" and "Victory") to anchor the album. The lack of melody becomes an issue in slow songs. Definitely cannot roll with The Meadowlands, but of the same genre and near its caliber.
*The-Dream - Love King. If, like me, you do not listen to anything before FILA, this album is very good throughout. The obvious highlight is the Yamaha-Abyss suite.
*Sleigh Bells - Treats. Large amount of starred songs, but it has horrible sequencing, and some of the rhythms/riffs repeat to make the whole less than the sum. The production is awful; it needs to be either full wall-of-sound or total minimalism.
*Caribou - Swim. Great high points.
*Deerhunter - Halcyon Days. Mostly for the ending. Like Caribou, but not quite as good.
*Clubland 17 - Disc 1. Coveniently, Disc 1 is mostly good, and Disc 2 is pretty much garbage. Much less work.
*Girl Talk - All Day. I should stop whining about it since I keep on listening. If Night Ripper had had better transitions, it would have been two stars.



Songs:


****Sleigh Bells - Ring Ring (demo version, without the extra sounds). Rill Rill is only three stars.

***Kode9/others - Stiff to Mountain Dread March #2 from Kode9's DJ-KICKS mixtape. If MDM2 does not scare you, turn the volume up. I grow less confident in our defenses against the gathering armies of dark.
***Kanye West - All of the Lights Interlude + All of the Lights f/ everybody. Can't stop listening. This song throws down a solid 2 stars, and then, starting at about 2:30, decides to have like 5 awesome bridges in a row. NYMag claims that there is a better version floating around that doesn't have Rihanna. (I have nothing against Rihanna.)
***Little Boots - Remedy
***Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti - Round and Round.
***M.I.A./Vijay Iver Trio - Galang (Wayne and Wax mashup). This is the full potential of Galang. (Dear Bass: Please hit harder. Otherwise, completely in love. xoxo)
***Kanye West - Runaway. Pusha T really needs to come a little harder for four stars, and although I do get it, the chorus could stand to be a lot less inane.

**Joanna Newsom - Good Intentions.
**Deerhunter - Helicopter
**Beach House - Zebra. Apparently, I should watch Gossip Girl.
**Caribou - Odessa. Needs more cowbell. Seriously.
**Janelle Monae - Cold War. Yeah, yeah, I know. Sort of 2009, but whatever.
**The Walkmen - Angela Surf City
**Mos Def - History Town Are mashups cheating? I have a lot of mashups this year.
**12:00 to 14:44 of the Babe Rainbow Shaved Mixtape by Rico Uno. This is the reggae section. The space between 9:31 and 12:00 is just mood-setting with the main Shaved beat and a tiny beat of reggae intro words after 10:50. Use real speakers!
**Sleigh Bells - Tellem
**The-Dream - Yamaha. It's like if Prince was still excellent!
**Mark Ronson f/ Q-Tip, Amanda Warner - Bang Bang Bang LCD-lite. (Although, let's get real, LCD Soundsystem itself has pretty much always been LCD-lite.)

*R. Kelly - Radio Message. So, the last 20 seconds of R&B this good was the end of "Promise". Also, R. Kelly brings the pipes hard.
*Caribou - Hannibal
*Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes - Home. Is "too much like Johnny Cash" actually a complaint? (Actually, yes, it is. I wish that Johnny would have occasionally used even a slightly different beat/strumming pattern so as not to completely play it out for all eternity.)
*Kanye West - Lost in the World. Downgrade.
*Robyn - Fembot
*LCD Soundsystem - Drunk Girls
*Robyn - Dancing by Myself. My expectations are that most people will rate this around 2-3 stars. I am just a jerk.
*Deerhunter - He Would Have Laughed. Colors, in stereo.
*Sleigh Bells - Crown on the Ground
*Sade - Soldier of Love. SO NINETIES! It even has baby cry samples in the beat.
*8:04 to 9:30 (Snoop section) of the Babe Rainbow Shaved Mixtape by Rico Uno
*Mark Ronson - The Night Last Night.
*Alicia Keys - Unthinkable (I'm Ready). Have you seen the video? Alicia is so pretty!

Downgrades:
Goldfrapp - Rocket,MIA - It Takes a Muscle, Sam Amidon - I See the Sign (album), Taylor Swift - Speak Now (album), B.O.B. f/ Hayley Williams, Kanye West - Monster, Annie - My Love is Better, Diddy-Dirty Money - Coming Home, The Walkmen - Victory, Snoop's rap from Shaved Rainbow, La Roux/Major Lazer - Magic (Falling Soldiers Dub), Alcazar - Burning (Cahill mix), La Roux (***, but 2009, oops), The New Pornographers - Challengers (** but 2007, lol), Janelle Monae - Wondaland (draggy removed from context).

Restaurant recs

****
None so far.

***
Eleven Madison Park, NYC
The only reason it's not four stars is to leave room for unadulterated perfection. EMP was mindblowing only occasionally: service, setting, three or four perfect bites. Even aware of the reputation for lots of extras, the extent of such is enough to make you feel special.

**1/2
Fruition, Denver
1/2 star bump for value. This restaurant is based on the quality of its ingredients and seems to be solidly achieving the two stars for which it aims. I feel that the entrees could use a bit more ambition.

**
Blue Nile, H'burg
Ethiopian - best I have ever had, by quite a bit. Decent beer selection, expect to spend $25-30.

*
Saigon Cafe, H'burg
Vietnamese - also, MUCH better than the nearby Thai restaurant. Closed Sundays :(

*
Hamilton's, C'ville
Fancy American, but also simple. Probably C-ville's nicest place.

*
Bang, C'ville
Barely got a star. Drinks are very good and were key for the star (pear-ginger 4 lyfe), I'd say the dishes are about 50/50. (Mushrooms & chickpea rolls are good, green tea soba is bad.)


*Taste of China, C'ville
This recommendation is post-Peter Chang, although my recommendation is based only on the portion of the menu with his dishes. I doubt that his presence would markedly improve the quality, so you should still go here. However, Chang's dishes seem to be fairly one-note, and intensely so. You should come in a group of at least 3 and share, and groups of 4 or more may even experience 2-star level meals. PS Ma Po is stupid.

*Pies and Pints, F'ville, WV
The decor doesn't really make sense with the food, but the pizza is bomb.

Anti-recommendations:
-The Boat House, C'ville
Inconsistent, can't follow doneness instructions, ugly plating from the 1950s with no garnishes. Trout is okay, roasted vegetables as well.
-South Street Brewery, C'ville
Decent beer, though not great. Food is actually gross, especially nachos, shrimp appetizer.
-Mono Loco, C'ville
White people trying to make Mexican (if not white, they seem white!) and charging $3-5 too much per dish. Price is why it is anti-recommended.
-Jinx's Pit Stop BBQ, C'ville
Although the terrible location (ie very far away) contributes to its poor rating, I am also pretty unimpressed by its food. If you have the misfortune of finding yourself in Pantops, sure, try it. Otherwise, if you are willing to drive a long ways for BBQ, well, you have certainly had much better in your life.
-Benny's Mexican, Denver.
I wouldn't bother, but this was voted best Mexican by the readers of some Denver magazine. It is the same Tex-Mex as anywhere, and not even good (maybe borderline acceptable). Ordering fajitas offers a risk of actually bad food.

Yes, I am aware of; no, I cannot recommend but also don't anti-recommend:
-Diogi's, Fayetteville, WV (salsa is good, portions are hilariously large, but rest of food is sort of bland/over-reliant on chipotle, which is a flavor I don't like much. the carnitas are definitely worth ordering.)
-Timberwood, C'ville (aspires and succeeds in being a good version of a corporate restaurant, REALLY good beer, but menu is held back by its scatter-brainedness and is somewhat hit/miss.)
-Thai restaurants in C'ville. They're pretty much all good. None are quite star-worthy.
-Zocalo. Does not earn price point, but still good.

Tentative:

Molei Mole Molay!

How is the whole keeping mole in the freezer going? Awesomely.

Make this sauce:
http://www.zimbio.com/Recipes/articles/13198/Rick+Bayless+Mexican+Kitchen+Braised+Turkey

Brown some boneless, skinless chicken thigh filets. Simmer with the sauce (and water or stock) until they are very tender, approximately 40 minutes. Meanwhile, take five minutes to make garnishes; I like: parsley, queso fresco, radishes, limes, and excessive punctuation. Also, steam some tortillas real quick at some point, which can be very conveniently done with a strainer on top of the simmering sauce.

When the chicken is tender and the sauce is very clingy, as in the picture, season with salt and sugar to taste. Assemble as shown. Rad.

fbk music dump

new episode on 4/28/2010
go to the bottom, support our sponsorz

also, everybody with any interest in dance/techno/electronica should search isohunt for "best of 2007 remixes", download, and delete all but the following (these are filenames, not what will show up as the song's info):
lcd - get innocuous (soulwax)
team9 - britney - dead or alive (radio version)
avalanches - ray of zdarlight (wham vs digitalism)
anon - deerhoof mash up
girls aloud - call the shots (tony lamezma)
robyn - handle me (soulseekerz)
panda bear - comfy in nautica (mr devlin's)
tunng - bullets (max tundra)
feist - 1234 (vanshe technologic)
bjork - earth intruders (spank rock)

Incredibly hot shit from Kitsune Maison 1, 5, or 6:
Lo-Fi-Fink(Want U, Change Channel), La Roux(Quicksand), Beni(My Love Sees You), The Shoes(Let's Go), KID(I'll Never Know), Yelle (A Cause de Garcon - short mix!), Au Revoir Simone(Backyards of Our Neighbors), Ruede Hagelstein(Eclectic People), We Have Band(Hear it in the Cans), Late of the Pier(Broken), Pin Me Down(Cryptic), DATA (Aerius Light).

Old Bright Eyes:
Something Vague, When the Curious Girl..., Haligh..., Method Acting, You Will..., Lover I Don't Have to Love, From a Balance Beam.

lo-fi-fnk. seriously. check them out on myspace.

muy importante: Major Lazer! esp.: Hold the Line, Cash Flow, Keep It Goin' Louder, Bruk Out. Also, "Keep..." now makes 3 incredible Nina Sky songs that I know, along with "Move Ya Body" and "Plantlife". If someone knows more, please tell me.

more diplo. blow your head ep. i think all of it is good.

amanda blank. "might like you better".

i'm not cool, but sf/j is:
tonex "bring it", the streets "blinded by the lights (nero remix)", the gossip "pop goes the world", maxwell "pretty wings".

pop/indie rock albums sung by girls which you should already know:
ida maria - fortress round my heart (esp. oh my god, like you so much better when you're naked)
metric - fantasies (ESPECIALLY i'm still alive. this song is amazing, and the bridge happens twice! i love bridges!)

as always, i am very in the market for nina sky/sean paul recommendations.

HILITES from Kitsune 7!:
autokratz "always more", 80kids "miss mars", james yull "this sweet love", men "make it reverse", heartsrevolution "[japanese]", tanlines "bejan"

Less good, but worthwhile from KM7:
chew lips "solo", chateau marmont "beagle", delphic "counterpoint", phoenix "lisztomania"

based on their myspace, i also recommend exploring heartsrevolution.

A very Kitsune entry! = good!

The Knife:
Heartbeats, Pass This On, You Take My Breath Away, Neon, Parade, Reindeer. (anti-recommend Silent Shout - entirety)

The Fork (prev unowned):
Broken Social Scene - Cause=Time, Cuty Copy - Hearts On Fire, The Game - Hate It or Love It, Ghostface - Nutmeg, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Johnny Boy - You Are the Generation..., Mike Jones - Still Tippin, Robyn - With Every Heartbeat, Three 6 Mafia - Stay Fly, UGK - Int'l Players Anthem, Justice - We Are Your Friends, White Stripes - Dead Leaves and the Dirt

Spoon
The Underdog, Way We Get By, Jonathan Fisk, Paper Tiger, My Mathematical Mind, whatever the famous song off of Gimme Fiction was, Don't Make Me a Target. (really, discography, esp Kill the Moonlight, Gimme Fiction, Ga Ga Ga Ga but less so because of the stupid name.)

Amazing remix of A Milli (and I don't even like the normal song) - http://www.factmagazine.co.uk/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=4019&Itemid=28&limit=1&limitstart=0 ...Go to about 45:00.

American Idol managing to justify its existence- SUBG, IDNHU, LS (I find Longshot's verse to be amazing, but chorus crap, and the bridge is seriously non-existent. The whole lacking at least one important thing, such as a decent bridge or good guitar player in SUBG, is super-frustrating with Kelly Clarkson, but I guess she is blowing away expectations already. The new album is kind of okay.), Battlefield

Americana - Okkerville River, Say Anything's old album (super-disappointed in new one), M. Ward (think later Bright Eyes, but with talent)

Dancey-noisy-punky - Crystal Castles "Alice Practice" (so much awesome!), Heartsrevolution "Wolves and Libertines" & "Digital Suicide", Robyn "Be Mine", Sleigh Bells "Crown on the Ground" & "Ring Ring".

Amerie mostly failed, but she tried really hard to reclaim her previous heights (One Thing, Outro) and sometimes succeeded: "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me", "Pretty Brown", "Swag Back"
R Kelly was also almost good: "Exit", "Echo"

New Friends:
*Babe Rainbow Shaved Mixtape by Rico Uno (esp the second eight minutes)
*Nicki Minaj
*Mission (insert preposition here) Burma [also, embarrassingly late on this one...]

amazing house from 09 comps:
*Clubland 15: Shontelle - Tshirt (Bimbo Jones), D Code feat Emma - Who Are You
*Liga: Dave Darell - Freeloader (Spencer & Hill radio), Rocco - Everybody 9.0 (club edit), Pussycat Dolls - I Hate This Part (digital dog)
*Ministry of Sound (Clubber's Guide): Outsiders - Keep This Fire Burning (Freemasons), Basshunter - I Miss You (Fonzerelli), Sash feat Stunt - Raindrops (Fonzerelli), Montanas & DJ Roland Clark - Music Talking (Joey Negro), Guru Josh Project - Infinity 2008

Fettucine Alfredo

Continuing with the theme of not-real recipes, this is how I make fettucine alfredo, more or less embarrassingly jacked from Everyday Italian. Obviously, the amount of fat is massive, so you probably shouldn't eat it very often. Fresh pasta is incredibly important, be it homemade or store-bought. Also, you are not allowed to substitute cheese in this recipe. Parsley is optional and likely discouraged by purists. There is no reason to use half-and-half; all this means is longer time evaporating the liquid out of the sauce. If you want less fat, make less sauce, but I question what you are doing making alfredo and trying to limit fat at all.

1 pound fresh fettucine (recipes follow)
1 stick butter
1 cup heavy cream
nutmeg to taste
pepper to taste
1 cup (at least!) grated parmigiano reggiano
zest of 1 lemon
juice of half lemon
salt to taste
parsley to garnish

1) Make pasta (recipes follow). Boil and salt pasta water. Put butter and cream into large skillet on medium-low. Do not brown the butter! Do not add stupid junk like garlic!

2) Whisk butter and cream togther and continue periodic whisking so the sauce doesn't curdle. Bubbles are bad, steam is good. Add some nutmeg and black pepper; this will taste how it smells, if you want to do things to taste. Add cheese and zest, check for salt now because the cheese was salty.

3) When water reaches boil, add uncooked pasta. Spin it around the pot once or twice. Add zest to alfredo sauce. Remove pasta after about 90 seconds - before it reaches al dente, and add to sauce. Mix pasta with sauce with a fork, tongs, whatever. Add lemon juice, chopped parsley if desired, and mix again.

4) Plating: Dump on a plate with yet more cheese and pepper. A pretty presentation would be to wind it around a fork and then slide this relatively ordered pasta onto the plate. Add parsley on the sides, cheese on top.
Drink: Fat coats the tongue and makes it hard to taste wines. So nothing expensive! Chianti or zinfandel would be good, chianti probably better. I could also see something like a pinot noir with lots of berries performing well. If you don't like tannins, this is a chance to drink a tannin-heavy wine and avoid the tannins.


Pasta (note: this pasta isn't super-suitable for stuffed pasta. you should use Thomas Keller's recipe for that. Link.)

Two eggs per cup of flour. 1 pound of pasta is probably 2 cups of flour, but I don't really know.

Whisk flours together, if combining. Make a mound of flour with a volcano hole and crack eggs into said crevasse. Break the egg yolks with fingers and mix eggs together, during which time some of the volcano will start to get mixed in with the eggs, forming a slurry. Gradually incorporate the whole mountain, and knead until the dough comes together and is smooth. Cover with a damp towel or wrap. Let rest for 30 minutes. Then send it through your pasta maker (penultimate settings is usually good for your final thickness).

Quinoa with shrimp scampi (or mushrooms) and artichokes

Okay, so this isn’t actually a real recipe, but it’s super-easy, I make it all the time, and I took pictures of it. I actually prefer the dish with oyster mushrooms as opposed to shrimp, but those are out of season right now, which sucks because I ordinarily eat lots of mushrooms. You would also not do a spice rub on the mushrooms. I also use olive oil usually with the mushrooms, but since I was doing shrimp, I decided a scampi would be a good idea as its ingredients are also good friends with artichokes. And there's no reason not to use wheat berries or barley instead of quinoa, although they do take longer to cook. (Disclaimer: I was too lazy to look up a scampi recipe, so it’s possible that it involves more than garlic and butter, but I doubt it.)Anyway…

Ingredients:

1 cup uncooked red quinoa
1.5 cups water

6 baby artichokes
1 cup oyster mushrooms
1.5-2 tbsp butter (actually, try to use as much as you are comfortable using)
2-3 cloves of garlic, minced
Half a lemon
White wine if desired
Chopped scallions to taste
Chopped parsley to taste
Parmigiano reggiano to taste

Quarter pound of thawed shrimp (frozen shrimp weigh twice as much as thawed)
1 tsp cumin seeds
1 tsp caraway seeds
1 tsp mustard seeds
1 dried hot chile plus seeds
¼ tsp salt

Rinse the quinoa under cold water to wash off the dust, which can be bitter. Place into 1.5 cups of simmering covered water. Cook time should be about 10 minutes. If you have extra water at the end, just keep cooking until it evaporates as quinoa can take the beating. Similarly, just add extra water if quinoa is not tender.


While the quinoa is cooking, melt the butter and put in the garlic. Try really hard to not brown the garlic. Prep artichokes. (I’ve included a picture of a before & after.) First, chop off the stem and pointy top. Next, peel off the outer rings of leaves until the remaining leaves are tender and probably a pale yellowish-green. These will oxidize incredibly quickly, so if you care about things like that, you should dunk them in a water-vinegar/lemon solution to prevent browning. I usually just squeeze some lemon on top. Anyway, halve all of these. Put into butter/garlic. Add your lemon juice or white wine or whatever if you feel like it. Also add your parsley stems. Check seasoning.

Toast the spices (except the chile). Grind. Toss with peeled, deveined, de-tailed shrimp. When artichokes are pretty close to done, throw the shrimp in the pan. You know the drill, when one side turns pink, flip. Cook a tiny bit more, and remove from heat.

Plating:
Serve over greens, such as baby arugula or watercress, if desired. Basically, toss the quinoa with the artichoke/shrimp mixture. Add chopped scallions and thin slices of parmigiano reggiano cheese. Squeeze a lemon on top. Also some olive oil wouldn’t hurt, to say nothing of black pepper. As you can see, the plating is not exactly the most attractive thing in the world; this is really food to pack in a lunch.

Drink:
NOT Fox Glove 2007 Chardonnay! Really though, super-acidic white wines are basically the only wines that consistently stand up to artichokes or asparagus, so you should go with a pinot grigio or sauvignon blanc. Soave wine from Italy also supposedly works, but the alcohol is usually so out of control on those that I find them gross.

Bad Sex Literature Awards!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2007/nov/27/awardsandprizes.badsexaward

I found this on the Daily Beast. This is a much better literary cause than the people who got arrested for vandalism after correcting typos on historic National Park signs. And, if you notice the date, it looks like the 2008 list will come out on Thanksgiving!

Thai-style crab crispy fried rice

I am not humble about my fried rice, which is probably the first thing I learned how to cook, and one of the few things I make that isn't adapted from a real chef or recipe book. This is a Thai style fried rice, so it has lots of fish sauce and is garnished with acid. I don't know if this is what a Thai fried rice is supposed to be like, but when I get it at restaurants (that don't suck!), it always comes with tomatoes and limes, so I am rolling with it. Also, the bottom is repeatedly crisped and mixed in, which gives a fun texture and makes it more possible to eat with chopsticks. If I were a menu writer, it would be called "Thai crab paella", but since people who call green beans "haricort verts" on otherwise English menus will end up on the same circle of hell as men who wear dress sandals, well, it is called a descriptive name.

The plating above is totally ridiculous and extraneous; virtually all crab is cooked immediately upon its arrival at shore, so you're not really getting extra freshness out of buying the crabs in shells as opposed to buckets.

Anyway, this is how you make it to serve 4, although I usually end up eating all of 1 cup of rice's worth myself over the course of about 3 hours, so you should def have sides or make more. (One cup of dried rice turns into 2 or 3 cups of cooked.) The rice is really important. I like to use jasmine because it tastes good and sticks together a lot more, so you can actually eat your final product with chopsticks, and basmati because it tastes good. You can really use any rice, but this is the most recommended.

Ingredients:

1 cup dry jasmine rice

1 cup dry basmati rice

Make the rice a day ahead so it can dehydrate in the fridge!

2 tbsps minced garlic

2 tbsps minced ginger

1 chopped shallot (optional)

16 oz cooked crab meat

Tamari soy sauce

Fish sauce (nam pla)

Toasted sesame oil

Sambal olek

2 cups frozen peas (optional)

High-heat cooking oil such as safflower or canola

Salt/pepper (probably won't use any salt)

2 avocados

4 tomatoes

Lime wedges

Chopped scallions

chopped cilantro (optional)

Cucumber slices (optional)

Procedure:

1) Make the rice a day ahead. Bring an equal volume of water as rice to a boil, and add the rice as well as a tiny bit of oil if you're worried about the rice sticking. Turn the heat down to a simmer and let sit for a while. You should come check it in about 10 minutes to make sure it doesn't already need more water. If it does, add more. Surely we all know how to cook rice? It should be done in about 15-20 minutes unless it is brown rice.

2) Prep for the stir-fry. Take out the rice, peas (if using), soy sauce, sambal olek, fish sauce, and sesame oil. Mince all of the garlic, ginger, and shallot (if using). Scramble the eggs in a bowl (or not, you can do it in the pan, doesn't matter).

3) Stir-fry. Heat a large (like, ginormous) skillet or wok on high with just enough oil to coat comfortably. Add 2/3 of the garlic-ginger-shallots to pan, stirring CONSTANTLY for about a minute or until soft. Add the rice, mixing it with the aromatics and breaking up any clumps. Keep the heat on high for about a minute longer, still keeping the pan moving, and then add the soy, fish, sesame, and sambal olek. Use only 1/4 tsp of the sesame, and combine the soy and fish sauces about half and half to turn the rice mostly brown, but with some white sections. Also, the sambal is hot stuff, be careful until you are experienced with it. Add a massive amount of black pepper and the peas.

4) Make the rice crispy. Turn the heat down to medium-high. We want to let the bottom of the rice get crispy, then mix it around and let another layer get crispy. Two layers is probably enough, depending on how crowded your pan is. Anyway, to kill time, check whether you want more of the sauces, clean up your mess a little bit, check your crab meat for bits of shell, prep the garnishes etc.

5) Final cooking. Add the eggs and scramble them away from the rice so that you don't have a clumpy mess. Add the crab to rice, and mix everything together. See if you want to add the leftover ginger or garlic (I almost always add more ginger.) Check your sauces and black pepper level one last time, and turn heat off. You can just leave the pan on the burner as you do garnishes. You also might want to toss your cilantro in at this point as opposed to topping the rice with it, and you might want to also toss in some sesame oil, but a really scant amount.

6) Plating. If you happen to have a crab body lying around, why not throw your rice in it? Otherwise, heap it on a plate, garnish with avocado and tomatoes slices, top with cilantro, scallions, whatev if you want.

7) Garnish variations: tofu, pomegranate, sauteed onion, shrimp, zuchinni whatever. However, the version I fully endorse is:
Mix of white basmati/jasmine rice
Crab
Avocado
Tomato
Peas
Scallions (added on top of plating)
Cilantro (tossed in pan at end)

Derek's blog

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